This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
