when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
