i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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