Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
