Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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