I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
