I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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