I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
