The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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