First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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