Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
