I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
