clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
