I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
