she woke up with a sticky ear
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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