What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
