I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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