made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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