i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
