someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my phone needs a breathalizer
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
