um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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