I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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