??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
