why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
