My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
