I smell stomach acid.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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