I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
