Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
