I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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