I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
