Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
