i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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