We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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