I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
