She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
