Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
