she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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