How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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