do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
