Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
