just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
