i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
