also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
