I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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