bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm too high and old for this...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
