WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
