When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
