We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Randomize
