We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
