You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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