just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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